


Enough

by sznups



Category: Black Clover - Tabata Yuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Depression, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 07:40:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18331610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sznups/pseuds/sznups
Summary: The ones who seem to be the happiest are very often the most depressed. Finral was able to hide his emotions very well until he can't anymore.





	Enough

The Black Bulls’ castle was bustling with life since the early morning hours. Finral slowly opened his eyes and heaved a deep sigh. He could hear the screams even in his room and he was damn sure he’d never understand this form of conversation. His teammates never talked like normal people. They always had to yell at one another. What never truly bothered him… until it started.

The spatial mage closed his eyelids again. There wasn’t a point in getting up. No one was eager to meet him. No one was waiting for him. And if they needed his abilities, he was sure they’d find him. It was the sad truth about Finral Roulacase’s life. He was never wanted. Not by his parents, not by his brother, not by any girl and not by his friends. He was just a coward, a drive, a disgrace to his family and servant to his captain. He was no one.

Deep down he always knew that he was never loved by anyone but lately the realization became more painful than ever. Finral had no idea what was the reason behind it but it was his life now. He’d wake up like this, survive a whole day pretending that he was completely fine and then cry himself to sleep. All in all, he felt numb. Numb and lost. The feeling was crushing his heart and slowly Finral stopped seeing sense in anything he was doing.

Every time Yami needed Finral to give him a ride and the spatial mage had some time for himself, he faked a smile and this horrible womanizer attitude. But the moment his captain left him alone, the smile was gone. There was no reason to smile. He’d wander through the alleys or just sit at a bar. He’d watch the women, all beautiful and happy. All full of passion and expectations. And then he’d look at other mages, magic knights. They all had a purpose. They all worked hard to achieve something. Finral didn’t have any dreams. And even if he had, he was too weak to make them come true.

“Finral! You good for nothing scumbag! Get your ass over here!”

The spatial mage laughed a bitter laugh. That was a great description of him. He didn’t even try to correct his captain. Yami was right. He was a good for nothing scumbag. Finral pulled on the same clothes he always wore and then walked through the door. Finral hardly ever used the door, since his magic was much more convenient. But recently everything had changed.

The walk into the dining room didn’t take him as long as he’d like. Finral stood in front of the door, took a few deep breaths, plastered the fake smile on his face and then entered the room. The tables were full of different foods, everyone was already in the middle of eating. No one paid him any attention. And he was grateful for that. Finral tried to greet all of them but his throat constricted. No “hello” then. He took his seat at the table and then looked at all the food. It looked and smelled delicious. However, Finral felt sick. Again. It’s been already a few days. He couldn’t eat. Everything tasted like paper and made him want to throw up. He was aware that he was getting thinner and thinner but luckily his clothes hid everything well.

“Eat up, eat up!” Charmy sang, putting a whole plate of scrambled eggs for him.

“T-thank you…”

Finral mustered up a polite smile. Charmy cared about his eating habits but it wasn’t anything special. She cared about everyone’s eating habits. The spatial mage grabbed a fork and tried to force at least a few bites. He knew he had to. He didn’t want to make anyone suspicious and cause even more troubles. They had more important things to do.

“Finral-senpai! We’re going to train after breakfast. You’re welcomed to join us!” Asta’s annoying voice filled the already noisy room and Finral wanted to flinch at the volume.

“A-ah, thanks. I don’t think I will, though” he tried to brush it off but it was already too late.

“Huuuh? Come on! I wanna fight with you. Let’s see if you’ve gotten any better!” Luck was bouncing with excitement. That kid always gave him the creeps.

“Don’t even try to come up with your poor excuses you useless shit!” Magna pointed a finger at him.

Finral felt it as a slap but this time he didn’t retort with any snappy reply nor did he find it outrageous. He just smiled. And suddenly the room became quiet. Finral had no idea that he just busted his own disguise. He was never close with Magna but even that punk noticed that there was something wrong. When Finral smiled, the bags under his eyes became more visible. It made a great contrast with his sickly pale skin.

“You needed me for something, captain? You were the one who called me” Finral changed the uncomfortable subject.

Yami puffed out the smoke from his cigarette, not taking his eyes off Finral even for a moment. He was probably the first one to notice that there was something wrong with the green loser.

“Charmy was being annoying” he shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll need a ride in the evening, though. Julius wants to discuss something, that obnoxious weirdo” he muttered, inhaling even more smoke into his lungs. Finral only nodded his head. “In the meantime you could use some training.”

Finral opened his mouth to protest but it was obvious he wasn’t getting away with that. With some of the members out on a mission, there wasn’t even a possibility to hide. Vanessa eyes him suspiciously but then she offered him a smile.

“A winner will fight with me!”

Asta cheered excitedly. Luck seemed to not mind the rules at all. As long as the fight was interesting, he didn’t mind who he was fighting with. After breakfast they left the castle and went outside. The day was sunny and warm, a perfect weather to spill some blood. Normally, the spatial mage would freak out but this time he couldn’t bring himself to care. Everybody knew he was useless so there was no reason for him to try. Besides, it wasn’t like he had any chances of winning.

Luck and Asta were clearly having fun. The fight was impressive and if the circumstances were different, he’d probably enjoy the show. Not today, though. Yami and Vanessa were glancing at him every few minutes but they didn’t say a word. Until it was his turn.

Magna was his opponent. Great. Finral had no idea what was worse. The type of Magna’s magic or the way he was fighting.

“I won’t hold back! I expect the same of you!”

He really wanted to roll his eyes. There was no way he was going to win this. In the past Finral was always scared of getting hurt or killed but this time it didn’t sound scary nor bad. It was actually interesting. He wondered how much his useless body could take. And he also wanted to see their reaction. Would they laugh? Would they cheer for him? He wanted to find out.

The first series of fire balls was sent in his direction. Finral acted quickly, opening a few portals and sending them somewhere far away where they couldn’t reach him anymore. The temperature rose. Finral felt droplets of sweat forming on his forehead. He realized he never really fought with any fire magic user before. He only knew that he always used to envy others this magic. It was cool, powerful. And he? Even his magic was pathetic.

“Don’t let your guard down!” Yami yelled at him.

Finral manage to open the portal before the flames touched his skin. His robes were charred but he didn’t mind. He didn’t deserve it anyway. And he didn’t have time to think about it. Magna didn’t let him take a break. The fight continued, the rest of their teammates were watching, cheering occasionally. Finral heard the shouts. They all wanted Magna to try harder. They laughed at the fire magic user. How clumsy he was that he couldn’t even defeat someone who didn’t have any offensive magic. It would only piss Magna off and made him even more determined. Finral was having hard times, mostly because he didn’t want to fight. His mana was running out along with his stamina and motivation.

What was the point? Even if he endured it, they’d mock Magna that he didn’t win. That would lead to another fight. And another. And he would be the reason. Somehow Finral knew how ridiculous that way of thinking was. But he just didn’t have any strength to continue this. He wanted all of this to end. So when the next attack came, Finral faked the gesture that would create a portal and closed his eyes. It was the best solution. He knew that. He’d finally stop being a burden to everyone.

Yami’s eyes widened when he saw what Finral was doing. He never showed his concern for his squad but it didn’t mean he didn’t love those kids. He did. They were his family. And so was Finral. Yami knew him well. But at that moment he doubted he had ever known Finral. The Finral he knew would’ve never done anything like this.

“Finral!”

The desperate scream made all of them see what was really happening. But it was already too late to do anything.

He heard them shouting his name. He felt the scorching hotness. He felt the pain. And then he saw the darkness.


End file.
